Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson | What Boys Need

Boys have fears—not just “developmentally appropriate” ones about thunder and dark rooms, but fears about everyday situations as they grow up; in this respect they are no different from anyone. Boys have fears, boys have needs, boys are vulnerable, and boys have a capacity for powerful inner feelings. Acknowledging boys’ fear will not make them weak; it will free them from shame and make them stronger. Boys are prisoners of those feelings as long as they have to deny the truth of them, or require themselves to be fully in control of them. When boys and men rigidly deny their fears, they are less than fully human; besides, the effort of trying to deny fears is exhausting. We need to acknowledge and empathize with those fears, which are universal, and we need to teach boys to honor their own fears and respect the fears of others. That is empathy, and as Charlie’s friend Jeff demonstrated, every boy has the capacity for empathy. Boys need to have the experience of being empathized with, be able to display their own capacity for empathy, and be asked to be empathic.

There are many ways to give boys the opportunity to learn to be empathic. Tending pets is one way. Tending people and tending community is another. Boys of all ages need the chance to take are of animals, babies, the needy, older people, the environment. We see boy empathy in schools where community service programs are a regular part of the curriculum; we see boy empathy in families where brothers and sisters need care and help.

We know of a school in Chicago where, in the spring of their senior year, students are given the opportunity to go off campus and do a community service project. Most of the students enjoy the project, but every year at least a few boys are deeply moved by it, and they say so in the assembly at which they share their experience and how it has helped them “see the world in a new way.”

“At first I resented having to take care of this retarded boy because he wouldn’t do anything I said and it was frustrating,” a boy said in one recent presentation. As he continued to tell the story, it turned out that the retarded child had become attached to him, and at the end of their six weeks at the job, the child had hugged him. As he described this moment, he started to choke up in front of the school. Obviously, this had been enormously meaningful to him to have made a difference in the life of a handicapped child.

How many of our graduating high school senior boys have had the experience of taking care of a disabled child or an elderly person? Too few, we venture to guess. Boys who have such experiences become more empathic. The more such experiences they have, the more empathic they become.

Because of the training our culture gives boys, they may, at times, need limits on their competitiveness and the rush for individual achievement. We know a soccer coach who makes the entire team run laps if anyone on his eighth-grade team criticizes or is contemptuous of a teammate or an opponent during a game. He requires them all to participate in the reminder because he wants them all to know how negatively he feels about a win-at-all-costs mentality, and he wants boys to use peer pressure to soften one another’s criticisms. Athletics and team sports give us a chance to teach empathy in a situation in which boys are highly motivated to learn it. Anyone who has ever doubted the empathic nature of boys should witness the kind of caring, camaraderie, and loyalty boys display in a team sport setting—in the face of defeat and injury, as well as in the flush of victory.

5. Use discipline to build character and conscience, not enemies.

Sooner or later every boy gets into trouble, whether as a result of his impulsivity, his activity level, or just because he’s human: it is a normal part of growing up. What happens to boys in the disciplinary encounter will form the moral underpinnings of their later behavior. We believe that boys need discipline that is clear, consistent, and not harsh. The best discipline is built on the child’s love for adults and his wish to please. If that impulse is respected and cultivated, children will continue to be psychologically accessible through their love and respect. If they are unduly shamed, harshly punished, or encounter excessive adult anger, they will soon react to authority with resistance rather than with a desire to do better.

The truth is that children who are well disciplined early in life—that is, well guided rather than punished—need less and less overt discipline as they get older. In our work with troubled boys, we often see the effects of harsh discipline, which are simply more trouble and lasting emotional scars. We also know from our work with boys that even experienced “troublemakers” can find inspiration in discipline that consists of genuine guidance and empathy.

Listen to the words of Alex, an eighth-grade boy who was the class speaker at his graduation from a small, private elementary school in Middleburg, Virginia. In his earlier years, Alex was one of those regular visitors to the headmaster’s office, a boy with a penchant for impulsive, disruptive behavior.

“I was always the—I guess you could say ‘unique’ one,” Alex said.” I was different. I liked playing different games, I liked watching different TV shows, and I had different interests. But that was okay. I had fun.

“There was really one person who understood me and supported my different interests and views,” he continued, referring to the headmaster, Mr. Gilford, who, he said, was “not at all like the stereotypical headmaster,” but rather, “seemed to know me before I had even come to school the first day.”

Alex recalled a day in first grade when he was sent to Mr. Gilford’s office: “As I was walking down the hallway to his office for the first time, I thought I was taking my last steps, just thinking, ‘What will he do?’ When I sat down, the first thing he said to me was, ‘Well, hello, Alex. How’s your day been going so far?’

“This startled me for two reasons. One, he was calm, gentle, and friendly. Two, was actually what he said. I thought he was going to react lie a madman! We finished the meeting in a casual and enjoyable conversation, rather than in condemnation.”

Here is a boy, seven years after the fact, remembering not being yelled at, remembering not being punished. His speech is a measure of how much boys expect punishment and how transformative reasonable dialogue can be for the vast majority of them.

6. Model a manhood of emotional attachment.

Boys imitate what they see. If what they see is emotional distance, guardedness, and coldness between men, they grow up to emulate that behavior. While it is rare in the United States, it is common in many other cultures for men to express physical affection, both in private and in public. We know a man who always greeted his best friend with a big hug, and this scene played out in his son’s presence year after year. Any effect on the boy was not immediate. The son, like many boys, went through a period in his adolescence when he wouldn’t touch or be touched by any adult, neither his father nor anyone else. But now, in his early twenties, he hugs both father and, when they chance to meet, his father’s friend. What do boys learn when they do not see men with close friendships, when there are no visible models of intimacy in a man’s life beyond his spouse?

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