Leila and I went out for our daily ride on the trails and as we were cantering along, she added more and more speed. One day she continued going faster and faster, causing me to wonder what she was doing. All of a sudden I had the sensation of words forming in my head: “Do you trust me?” As I mentally answered “Yes,” I felt, or heard, the instructions, “Stand up in the stirrups, hold out your arms to your side and drop the reins.” Surprised, I did as instructed, and while standing in the stirrups saw we had a long straight stretch ahead. Then I heard, “Now close your eyes and feel.” Again, I did as instructed and do not even have the words to express what happened next. The feeling of our connection got even deeper; the feeling of her body melting with mine was incredible. I felt like I was truly flying at an amazing speed, with her right next to me. When she started slowing down, and I finally got back in my seat, I could feel her total happiness and I, too, was in absolute bliss. This was something I never had experienced before and yes, it proved how much I trusted her, how much we were one and how much I could put my life in her care and she would protect me.
Another day, Beate and I invited another rider and her new horse for a nice trail ride. As we brushed and cleaned our horses, Leila was even more affectionate than usual. People were stopping and watching us, commenting on how much Leila had changed and how much she loved me. While I brushed her, Leila made sure that she always kept contact—putting her nose on my cheek as long as she could, giving me hugs and, in all of this affection, we took longer to saddle than usual, but nobody minded. Everybody was enjoying watching her affection towards me. Finally we were ready to leave the stable. It was a beautiful sunny day and after a nice long walk we came to a hill that would lead into the forest. We decided at that point to canter one after another so as not to frighten or challenge the other horse to go faster than the girl wanted her to go. The girl and her horse started cantering up hill and all went well. Then Beate followed with her mare, Diesel, and then it was Leila’s and my turn. Leila had been unusually excited while the others were cantering uphill, leaving us behind, and when I told her go, she just flew up the hill. When we had nearly reached the top I heard a loud crack, like something ripping, and an instant loss of strength in her. I stopped her immediately and felt her shaking and breathing unusually hard. We waited until her breathing became normal again and made it up the rest of the hill where the other two were waiting. All of a sudden the shaking started again and Beate called “Get off!”
I jumped off, wondering what had happened, feeling pain in my chest and a rush of… I could not tell, but it seemed as if something was running out inside of me, the strangest feeling. Leila looked at me, backed away, and fell down. I was in shock, still not quite comprehending what had happened. Beate said, “We have to get her up, pull on her reins!” I pushed on Leila’s back, to no avail. “Her hind end might be frozen,” Beate said. “If she doesn’t get up we will lose her.”
So I listened and pulled, begging Leila to please get up, when all of a sudden I felt-heard, “I am dying. I cannot get up anymore.” I stopped Beate’s efforts and told her what I heard. She went white like a sheet and said “I’ll get the vet,” jumping on Diesel and dashing off to the stable with a speed I never thought her mare capable of. I looked down at my beautiful mare, still not wanting to believe what she had told me, but knowing it was true.
“You will die free,” I told her. “I will take off the saddle and bridle. You will be free.” I still do not know how I got the saddle off her, lying there, but I did. Then I took her head in my lap and stroked her, feeling her, trying everything I knew about energy work to heal whatever was broken. All I could feel from her now was pure love, sadness that she was leaving me, happiness for what we had shared and so much more love. Finally her eyes clouded over and instantly I could feel she was gone. The scream of pain that came out of my mouth was inhuman and frightened the girl who was still waiting with me—so much that she started backing away. I have no memory of that, but she told me later how frightened she was. She thought I had lost my mind. I crawled out from under the head and neck of my beloved horse to see if perhaps I was wrong, if there was something else I could do, and realized again she was gone.
Kneeling in front of her dead body, crying so hard I could not breathe, something pushed me over so that I fell across her belly. Surprised, I turned to see who had pushed me, and there, above the ground, dancing in shades of light blue and pink, was my beloved Leila, standing on her hind legs, dancing around as if to say, “See me, I am free. I have no pain anymore. I am still alive. See me. Stop grieving. I am here. I love you. I will always be with you and one day I will come back to you as a stallion. You will know right away it is me, I will be a yearling.”
Even though I could see and even hear her whinnying, loud and clear, and was sure her spirit was still alive, I was unable to stop crying. I knew in my heart and spirit she was right, yet the loss of her physical being and the shock of what had happened was too much and too deep.
Beate came back with the vet. He examined Leila and said “Her aorta is broken. There is nothing you could have done.” We left my mare in the woods for now, took the saddle and bridle in his van, and he brought me back to the stable. He asked me what had happened, and I told him, shaking and sobbing. All he could say was “I am so sorry, I am so sorry. But there is no way she could have walked on and for sure no way that she had the strength to back away from you. The aorta breaks and it is instant loss of strength and they drop on the spot.” But my Leila did not drop on the spot. Even dying she made sure I was safe.
Trying to soothe me, the vet told me the story again about when he came to vaccinate Leila and she was standing so calmly next to me that he had thought she was already sedated. He gave her the vaccination with me standing between him and her to be safe. Only later did he realize that she hadn’t been sedated and that it was the first time he had been able to get close to Leila without being kicked or bitten. He had marveled at what had happened to this dangerous mare who all of a sudden she was so kind, loving and accepting.
All I could say was that she had found me and we both had opened up to this amazing connection, both looking into the spirit of the other and then allowing them to be who they were instead of trying to control, manipulate or dominate each other. Ours had been a true partnership, a true soul match, the best friend and teacher I ever had, and the most amazing being I have known.
By the way, the other horses in the herd knew already that Leila was gone by the time we got back to the stables. The owner said, “An hour ago they all started being restless, calling, and behaving very strangely”—to the point she was worried that they might break the fence and run. Beate, too, heard Leila calling for days after she was gone. I know that Leila was making sure my friend also understood that she was still alive.
Through Beate I later connected with another special mare, named Dana. Our connection was not quite as deep, but still amazing and wonderful. I flew her from Germany to Canada as soon as we had a home here, thanks to that former husband of mine, who understood the connection I had with animals and supported me in it as much as he could, though he never truly understood how it was possible.
These connections with our animal relations are possible for everyone. Not all are perhaps as deep as I experienced with Leila, as every creature and relationship is different. Not everyone is open to such a deep degree of connection. But if you allow yourself to connect with an animal, your life and their life will change for the better as a result. The state of oneness with another being is reached by relaxing, opening your heart, and focusing your attention on that being.
Yes, you will become more vulnerable with this kind of love and openness, and yes, once you have developed it, it will expand to other humans and yes, there are those who might take advantage of it and use you, lie to you and betray your deep love and connection towards them. But you will know, you will feel it inside of you, and no matter what stories they tell you, you will know that they are lying. If so, let them go, but please do not close down, keep being open, keep loving and connecting. It is easier with animals—and safer for sure—as they are so much more honest and so much more open to giving and receiving love. But some will test you anyway; some will play games before they truly trust you and completely open up towards you.
This connection is also possible with plants, trees, flowers, and all of nature. The connection may be different than with an animal but it is possible. You will be surprised how playful flowers and trees can be. You will also be able to connect with beings who left their bodies behind, and with beings from other dimensions: it’s all energy. We might change or leave our physical bodies behind, but our essence and energies go on forever.
So be open. Trust and allow. Nothing in this world or in any other dimension is stronger than love given with no agendas; given just because it is our natural state of being. We have to come back to it, no matter how much we hurt, no matter how deeply we have been betrayed. We have to be brave and vulnerable as, in the end, it will make us so much stronger.
My wish in sharing this story with you is that it will encourage you to open your heart—your spirit—so that you can truly love and trust yourself and your intuition. Please allow yourself to feel the truth in this story of this amazing horse and her love and teachings.
Thanks for sharing this wonderful part of my life with me.
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